So I'm a little emo today

[kymburrlee]

So I'm a little emo today. Too bad I can't blame my crying on hormones. Nope the only thing that I can blame it on is the fact that I am a sappy little girl and little girls cry. Sappy little girls cry a lot more. 

I've always been close to my mom but for some reason I've always been afraid to talk to her about guys. Recently she has been there to hold me while a cry because I let myself be fooled and be hurt by some stupid guy. She keeps telling me that it will all get better but thankfully she realizes nothing she, or anyone else says, will make things any better. She knows how hard being at school can be for me sometimes in light of recent events and now that Valentine's day is coming up she is considering letting me hide out that day. Pathetic, I know, but I'd rather hide out at home than go to school and see everyone with their valentines and know that I won't be getting anything. No stuffed animal to carry around to each class. No flowers or balloons sent by your sweetheart. Not even a phone call that night. Nothing but maybe a little paper valentines that we were forced to give people in elementary school, and if that, it will come from my friend.

Yeah, I'm feeling terribly alone. I have no life but school and work. I'm not the best emplyee at times and I just hate school now. It's 11:48 p.m. I'm usually trying to get to sleep right now but instead I'm saying "fuck it". I'll be regretting it tomorrow morning when I can't get my lazy ass out of bed on time. I'll be rushing to school with my hair still wet. I used to really care. Well, I still do but I have NO motivation. My grades are slacking a little. I just threw together my english project that I have know about for nearly 2 weeks. It's shit and I know it. I wouldn't hate it so much but I have to present it to the class tomorrow. I don't do well with embarrassment of any kind. Yeah, that and there is a guy I wouldn't mind impressing in there but I know I won't.  Anyway, I really hope college is better. But fuckin'-a I will be surprised if I could survive in any college because that ACT I took yesterday was a bitch. I have a slight touch of test anxiety but I usually don't have too much of a problem, especially with standardized testing, but that was so very hard. Hated it. I don't understand why someone would willingly take that more than once.

The only things I want to do is read or write. I love writing and I'm glad that I finally got the balls to post it. While I maybe sad because my life is still shit while everyones around me is improving I can still think, but I can write. I still have a chance at succeeding even if it is at just a little internet slash fic that isn't even all that popular. Still, I am doing well with it and that is more than I expected. 

I wonder why I am being left behind by life. I'm trying, really I am. I'm not just sitting back and watching it go by. I don't think that is what I'm doing. But goddamn it, every time I put myself out there I just get dropped down to the floor and I retract back into my shell. If I just always get rejected I don't feel like trying anymore. And I'm still a little bitter that the last time I was crushed was because of my best friend. It still hurts no matter how much I smile about it.

Here I am, pouring my heart out, hoping someone will give me some uplifting words before everything seems so hopeless. Maybe, out there in cyberspace, someone from another state or country, may be feeling as hopeless as I. Are you guys listening to me? I don't have any comments on my journal. I get love from the communities but I don't know if anyone ever reads this besides me. Or maybe you are reading it and laughing. I don't blame you. If I was in a better or different situation I'd probably read this and just think "Cheer up, little emo girl".

I feel better now, though. Even though I don't expect any comments on it I still feel good that it is out there, off my chest. 12:10 midnight now. I have to go to bed now.

Comments

[absinthe-memory.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, I feel the same way. Even though I don't really like any guys here cause they're all stupid and ugh! But, I do know how you feel. And, valentine's day is going to blow fucking ass! If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

[kymburrlee.livejournal.com]

Yes, guys are very stupid where I live, too. I think they are everywhere. Haha, yeah, valentine's day will blow ass. I've never really understood that day. It's a a nice idea in theory, I suppose.
Thank you for the comment, sweetheart. =)

[crimsonyght666.livejournal.com]

Don't be sad, I mean really, valentines day is what? just one day to show love? I mean people should know that they can do that throught the whole year. So, to me I think it shouldn't be any more important, because, love is supposed to be a everyday thing, not just showing it on one day, but I hope you feel better, love. I know how you feel though, except I feel like that alot... But, you know if you ever feel the need to talk or anything, I'll be here, not like I can go anywhere. haha.

[kymburrlee.livejournal.com]

I definaetly agree with you that love should be shown everyday.
Thank you for commenting. I appreciate it. =)

[crimsonyght666.livejournal.com]

yeah, you're welcome love, anytime.